It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
