your parents love me but you hate me
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
