Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
it was like eating out sand paper
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
