oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
