God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
false alarm. still invincible.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
