my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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