K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize