You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you never un-have a 4some
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
