I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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