I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
