Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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