Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
