i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
