just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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