How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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