he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
