i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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