New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
