you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
