My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
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i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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