I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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