can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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