Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
