The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
