It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
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Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
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Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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