Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
