On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can text with my tongue
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
