god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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