you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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