She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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