i think i have two assholes
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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