Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
