shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
