what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
