Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
