dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
