Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
We need to feng shui this bitch.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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