You're my little dorito
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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