I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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