No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
