I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
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please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
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I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I did not marry a roomba.
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