In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
