Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
