i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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