I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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