Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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