Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So much Jack, so little girl.
We are all done wearing pants today
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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