My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
