you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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