Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
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At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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