: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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