I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
