she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I lost the right to judge tonight
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
