You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
