I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
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I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
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If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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